small price to pay

I think I’ve earned calluses on the trigger fingers of both my hands from vacuuming so much with my beloved Dyson stick vacuum. Maybe it’s some mutant growth, we’ll see. They don’t have a power switch, they have a trigger that you have to keep pulled, or it shuts off. I’m guessing to conserve battery power. It’s a small price to pay to not have to use those other dinosaurs. I used a canister vacuum the other day that made me want to poke my eyes out. 

A bulky hammerhead beater bar that can’t fit in many places with a hose connected to the blind toaster droid (aka MSE mouse droid) canister with a cord that gets caught in its own tracks and pulls its power line out of the wall. For fucksakes, this is like rubbing two sticks together to start a fire. 

This was at the nifty nerds’ house. One the same visit, I managed to shatter a bathtub jet with my fav crevice cleaning tool: an old toothbrush. It really was no match for such a sophisticated implementation. I have two ‘go-to’ phrases for these occasions: Cocksucker and Jesus Murphy. Both are enjoyable to say loudly—one more offensive than the other. For whatever reason, I pronounce cocksucker ‘kack-sucker.’ It’s just more fun to say that way. 

The nifty nerd dad has been renamed The Knob due to the recent ass-plosion he leaves for me in the ‘master bathroom.’ I get it, you pay a cleaner, but maybe YOU don’t want to look at the shit-scab for a week or so while you wait for your cleaner to return. Maybe YOU clean it just because looking at your own shit splats when you lift the seat to pee can ruin your mood as you look at the boudoir portrait of your wife that’s above the ass-PLODED toilet. What the actual fuck?!?

Comparing the throne of The Knob and the Coco Chanel bathroom is like night and day. I have never even seen a pubic hair on their toilet! Maybe their bodies are hairless. There is no justice.

excerpt from Chapter 10 of Alexine Cleans

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