your very best friend


I think that the whole ‘soul mate’ idea is a load of horse shit. I’m not cynical. I do believe in love. I also happen to believe that the vast universe can plop another brave contestant in your lap when you aren’t busy feeling sorry for yourself. Waiting for someone else to fulfill you or complete you is the ‘opposite of smart’ as Grandma Jo would say. Treat yourself as you would treat your very best friend that you just love to be with. 

That friend that you feel so comfortable with that you let them see that you use bread bags to cover food in your fridge instead of plastic wrap. Show off that splendid selection of welfare Tupperware. The collection made up of yogurt and cottage cheese containers that cost you nothing and are easily replaceable by buying the same foods you do anyway. Reduce is, after all, the first rule and you’re re-using, bonus! 

Serve that friend those no-name brand pizza pops the ones that your kid called Hindu Pops after spending time with the East Indian kid from Surrey that he was in the hospital with. You and that best friend can customize those cheap, boring pizza pops into something truly grand. Add lots of cheese and canned pineapple because pineapple DOES belong on pizza. Spoil her with that egg-battered eggplant fried in butter, topped with tomato and a copious amount of cheap parmesan. Ten dollars at Walmart can buy you a chunk of parm to choke a horse. 

Tell that best friend that loves you no matter what, how you sneezed and squirted a little pee into your pajamas, and then you changed into the clean pair that were hanging up drying. The fresh pair was a little damp in the crotch too, and for a moment, you couldn’t remember if you actually changed your jimjams or just thought about it. 

That best friend who knows about the fourth-degree episiotomy that wasn’t in time to save your first baby who was strangled after way too many hours of labor. 

She knows how you fell into a black hole after that. She was there even if you couldn’t see or hear her. She’s here now when you have sensations of perimenopause, menopause, and past feelings of being so strong that you would never feel tired or weak as you sometimes do now.  They know about all those feelings buzzing around in your head.  

Life skills: Be your own best friend—New Agey Bullshit with Street Cred.

excerpt chapter 7: the fall of the bigfoot believer & welfare tupperware

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